totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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