My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
