he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
