i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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