It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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