Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
