I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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