Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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