I could make wine with my vomit
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
