I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
