Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
