im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Randomize
