the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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