I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Found your dick twin last night
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
