awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
