I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize