You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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