C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
