Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
