I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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