you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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