he puts the penis in happiness.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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