That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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