oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
