I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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