mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize