I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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