He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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