my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize