he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
