I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She even gives head with a lisp.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
