so that wasnt chicken after all
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
