Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
