Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
