You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize