I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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