You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
