My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize