I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
