Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
