ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
