I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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