seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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