Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
