It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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