I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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