we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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