Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
