I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
