Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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