He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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