sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
