I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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