I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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