I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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