remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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