Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
