Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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